Food for thought


A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
James H. Boren

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Michel de Montaigne

A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.
Helen Rowland

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
John Steinbeck

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
W. Somerset Maugham

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Joey Adams

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
Eddie Cantor

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Raymond Hull

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All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
Red Skelton

Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage.
Sydney J. Harris

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
Sacha Guitry

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.
Isadora Duncan

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.
Samuel Johnson

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
H. L. Mencken

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn Monroe

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
Jean Kerr

But, alas! what poor Woman is ever taught that she should have a higher Design than to get her a Husband?
Mary Astell




By our Heavenly Father and only because of God, only because of God. We're like other couples. We do not get along perfectly; we do not go without arguments and, as I call them, fights, and heartache and pain and hurting each other. But a marriage is three of us.
Barbara Mandrell

Caesar might have married Cleopatra, but he had a wife at home. There's always something.
Will Cuppy

Daddy was real gentle with kids. That's why I expected so much out of marriage, figuring that all men should be steady and pleasant.
Loretta Lynn

Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of husbands. Remember all men would be tyrants if they could.
Abigail Adams

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
James C. Dobson

Faithful women are all alike, they think only of their fidelity, never of their husbands.
Jean Giraudoux

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Erma Bombeck

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

He that loves not his wife and children feeds a lioness at home, and broods a nest of sorrows.
Jeremy Taylor
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He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
Mae West

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
Oscar Wilde

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

I married beneath me, all women do.
Nancy Astor

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.
Barbara Bush

I think women are natural caretakers. They take care of everybody. They take care of their husbands and their kids and their dogs, and don't spend a lot of time just getting back and taking time out.
Reese Witherspoon

I wanted to marry a girl just like my mom.
Michael Bergin

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.
Bette Davis




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I've had an exciting time; I married for love and got a little money along with it.
Rose Kennedy

I've had two proposals since I've been a widow. I am a wonderful catch, you know. I have a lot of money.
Ruth Rendell

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
George Ade

If there is such a thing as a good marriage, it is because it resembles friendship rather than love.
Michel de Montaigne

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
Mignon McLaughlin

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Alan King

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
Katharine Hepburn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.
Robert Anderson

In marriage there are no manners to keep up, and beneath the wildest accusations no real criticism. Each is familiar with that ancient child in the other who may erupt again. We are not ridiculous to ourselves. We are ageless. That is the luxury of the wedding ring.
Enid Bagnold

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.
Helen Rowland
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Lewis Grizzard

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.
Benjamin Disraeli

It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.
Helen Rowland

It takes patience to appreciate domestic bliss; volatile spirits prefer unhappiness.
George Santayana

It's not beauty but fine qualities, my girl, that keep a husband.
Euripides

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Rodney Dangerfield

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
Martin Luther

Love in marriage should be the accomplishment of a beautiful dream, and not, as it too often is, the end.
Alphonse Karr

Love is moral even without legal marriage, but marriage is immoral without love.
Ellen Key

Love is often the fruit of marriage.
Moliere







Marriage Quotes
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Ambrose Bierce

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
Stephen Leacock

Marriage - a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.
Beverley Nichols

Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder.
Thornton Wilder

Marriage is a feast where the grace is sometimes better than the dinner.
Charles Caleb Colton

Marriage is a financial contract; I have enough contracts already.
Linda Fiorentino

Marriage is a gamble, let's be honest.
Yoko Ono

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Mae West

Marriage is a mistake every man should make.
George Jessel

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Groucho Marx
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
Billy Connolly

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
Gilbert K. Chesterton

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
George Bernard Shaw

Marriage is an exercise in torture.
Frances Conroy

Marriage is an institution fits in perfect harmony with the laws of nature; whereas systems of slavery and segregation were designed to brutally oppress people and thereby violated the laws of nature.
Jack Kingston

Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.
St. Jerome

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
Alan King

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.
Abraham Lincoln

Marriage is not about age; it's about finding the right person.
Sophia Bush

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Ogden Nash




Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.
Sydney Smith

Marriage should be a duet - when one sings, the other claps.
Joe Murray

Marriage, a market which has nothing free but the entrance.
Michel de Montaigne

Marriage, for a woman at least, hampers the two things that made life to me glorious - friendship and learning.
Jane Harrison

Marriage, like money, is still with us; and, like money, progressively devalued.
Robert Graves

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Ambrose Bierce

Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".
Herbert Spencer

Married couples who work together to build and maintain a business assume broad responsibilities. Not only is their work important to our local and national economies, but their success is central to the well-being of their families.
Melissa Bean

Married people from my generation are like an endangered species!
Patrice Leconte

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.
Josh Billings
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Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
H. L. Mencken

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
Doug Larson

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
Jean Rostand

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
Elbert Hubbard

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom; wait until they have been married longer.
Edgar Watson Howe

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of Commons until he is married.
Benjamin Disraeli

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
Honore de Balzac

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case of a married couple falling in love after marriage, but on close examination it will be found that it is a mere adjustment to the inevitable.
Emma Goldman





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One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.
Judith Viorst

One should believe in marriage as in the immortality of the soul.
Honore de Balzac

One was never married, and that's his hell; another is, and that's his plague.
Robert Burton

Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.
Joseph Joubert

Plant and your spouse plants with you; weed and you weed alone.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
Groucho Marx

Protecting the institution of marriage safeguards, I believe, the American family.
John Boehner

Quarrels often arise in marriages when the bridal gifts are excessive.
Antisthenes

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
Katharine Hepburn
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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
P. J. O'Rourke

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband a month before she marries him and what she thinks of him a year afterward, and you will have the truth about him.
H. L. Mencken

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan

The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly.
Peter De Vries

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.
John Gay

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
A. P. Herbert

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.
A. P. Herbert

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
Peter De Vries

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
George Jessel

The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.
Honore de Balzac




The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
Finley Peter Dunne

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.
Colin Chapman

The true index of a man's character is the health of his wife.
Cyril Connolly

There is a time for all things - except marriage, my dear.
Thomas Chatterton

There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
Oscar Wilde

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
Homer

There's nothing like a good cheating song to make me want to run home to be with my wife.
Steven Curtis Chapman

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.
Alexander Pope

Well married a person has wings, poorly married shackles.
Henry Ward Beecher
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

When a marriage works, nothing on earth can take its place.
Helen Gahagan

When I get married, it'll be no secret.
Elvis Presley

When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.
Friedrich Nietzsche

When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned.
Marie Osmond

Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.
Benjamin Franklin

Whoever, fleeing marriage and the sorrows that women cause, does not wish to wed comes to a deadly old age.
Hesiod

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
Barbra Streisand

Why in almost all societies have married women specialized in bearing and rearing children and in certain agricultural activities, whereas married men have done most of the fighting and market work?
Gary Becker