In a marriage, man and woman symbolically become one flesh when a man leaves his father and his mother and takes his wife; the two of them become one. Oneness in a marriage means little can affect one without affecting the other.
Therefore the choice of a spouse by a woman is the most important decision of her life, after giving her life to Jesus, because her choice will determine whether or not she fulfills God’s plan and purpose for her life.
Whoever you marry should be your friend, but the goal in a marriage should be more than friendship, it should be oneness
Marriage was instituted by God so you need God’s guidance to choose a spouse. Just like a woman can end up with a man that will bring the best out of her and help her to become who the Lord has ordained her to be, she can also end up with the spouse that will take her very far away from God’s intended purpose for her life. So a lot of factors have to be taken into consideration in choosing a spouse.
The truth is, it is almost humanly impossible to choose a spouse without seeking the face of God. This is because we are mortal beings, and we tend to judge by what we see, and fail to see beyond what we are confronted with.
Our decisions are often clouded by our needs and our environment so it is only by the revelational power and guidance of the Holy Spirit that you can successfully choose a spouse.
First thing to do when you need to make the choice of a life partner is to seek the help of the Holy spirit... ask the Holy spirit to guide you and to speak to you about your choice of a life partner.
Many people marry without knowing what to expect of their partner or married life. You must be careful not to allow your desires to mask what you receive from God because He alone is the Alpha and Omega, who knows the end from the beginning.
When you seek the help of the spirit, you will be guided to search out the following qualities in a prospective spouse.
First thing to consider in the choice of a spouse- The fear of God.
Bible says “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom”. A man who has the fear of God in Him has surrendered the authority of his life to Jesus and has the power of God inside of Him, such a man would not only operate with the spirit of God, but would also salute and honor the woman for the role that God has called her to play in his life as helpmate and “bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh”, not as a stress buster or a punching bag.
The second point to consider: Your values, do you have similar values? I.e. religious beliefs, tradition and customs.
Religious differences are a very strong point to consider in the choice of a spouse. As Christians, the bible warns us not to be unevenly yoked with unbelievers because such marriages cannot have unity in the most important aspect of life, commitment and obedience to God and His word.
The woman may have to compromise her beliefs and her faith for the sake of unity and peace in the marriage. Don’t allow passion, emotions to blind you into marrying someone that you cannot be united with spiritually.
“Was it not because of marriages like these, that Solomon king of Israel sinned?”... Nehemiah 13:26. Many Christian sisters today delude themselves into believing that the man will change his religion and will give his life to Christ after they get married.
This is a very unrealistic expectation of a man because a man, who will not make amends to please you before he marries you, will certainly not make amends after he has married you. This is the “lie” that a lot of unbeliever men tell to lure Christian women into marriages and unfortunately a lot of women do fall for it because of their desire to be married at all costs only to find out after marriage that the man never had intentions of changing his religion.
It is easy for us to minimise religion in order to encourage the development of a friendship, but seemingly small differences can have a great impact upon a marriage.
Third point to consider in the choice of a spouse is: physical compatibility; temperaments. Before you can be sure of the type of man that is comparable with your own nature or temperaments, you need to be sure of the type of person that you are. i.e. how well do you know yourself?, do you have a short fuse and blow your top frequently, or are you the patient, tolerant and not so quick to respond type?
Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Are you tolerant, resilient and patient enough to cope with a man who is hot tempered and quick to anger? Can you live with an impatient and domineering man?
It’s important to know that two hot tempered persons will not survive in a marriage unless one person is going to become a complete zombie for the other person when it comes to issues that could bring about an uproar, and that person is most likely to be the woman.
Most men have set ideas of what they want their wife to be. Some men manipulate their wife into becoming what they want her to be, whilst some men encourage their wife to develop her own character and pursue her own dreams. You need to be sure what category your man falls into and determine which suits you.
Fourth point to consider in the choice of a spouse is Emotional compatibility – otherwise called Chemistry.
“Chemistry” is that spark which keeps a man and a woman attracted to each other. A saying goes “for every man there is a woman”. Some say that for every man there are at least 4 women. It is not possible for every living man and woman to be compatible with every other man and woman that comes their way.
There has to be something that keeps a man and woman together and forever attracted to each other even after the initial novelty of a new relationship or a new marriage wears out. So in choosing a spouse you have to be sure that the chemistry is right between you. Apart from the grace and mercy of God, it is the chemistry that will keep the spark alive in your marriage when those difficult times come.
Where there is emotional incompatibility, the couple will after a while become intolerant of each other and are more likely to commit adultery than the couple who are in love with each other. It becomes easy for the woman to notice passes and advances made by other men towards her, because she is not in love with her husband.
Fifth to consider in the choice of a spouse is - Intellectual compatibility, i.e. educational background, and intelligence level of the man.
Intellectual incompatibility need not be a problem in a marriage except for the fact that most men feel insecure and inadequate in a marriage where there is an imbalance in levels of intelligence.
Are you a highly qualified and well accomplished woman, at the peak of your career and considering marriage to a man who is lower qualified and less accomplished than yourself? The danger in such situations is that the man always feels the need to exercise his authority and dominion in the marriage, in most cases he does this by putting the woman down and restraining her from displaying her knowledge and intelligence in places where his own inadequacies will be shown off.
In short he would like to keep her quiet by suppressing her and preventing her from excelling in her career. In extreme cases he may force her to terminate her career to become a housewife.
Sixth to consider in the choice of a spouse is – Trustworthiness.
This comes under two different categories. First, to what extent can the man be trusted? Trust is a fundamental issue in a relationship. A man that cannot be trusted is a man that is not worth marrying. This is because it is impossible to be with your spouse 24/7. We live in a society where there is a lot of temptation for the married and the unmarried.
We also live in a society where there are a greater percentage of women than men. You need to be sure that your intended spouse is not one who lacks self control and has the tendency to give into temptation easily.
Second, it is just as important for you to trust your husband, as it is for him to trust you. You need to marry a man who loves and trusts you for who you are. You need a man who can give you your freedom and liberty to enable you fulfill your purpose and destiny as a child of God without looking over your shoulder every second and suspecting your every move.
A possessive man has a problem with insecurity and so will suspect every move of his wife even when she is innocent of his suspicions. If you are the kind of woman who needs her space and likes to interact with other people, marriage to such a man will lead to frustration. This is a problem that some attractive looking women face with their husbands who think every man finds their wife attractive and wants her.
The seventh point to consider in the choice of a spouse is- family values.
The Bible tells us to “honor our father and mother” that our days may be long. A man who does not honor his parents cannot honor his wife. A man who has no family values would have low moral values too.
How he responds to his own family, his parents, siblings and extended family will give you a strong indication of how he will respond to your own family and children. A man with no family values cannot impact family values on your children. Some men don’t talk, play and listen to their children because they believe children are not to be heard.
The Eight point to consider in the choice of a spouse is - kindness and respect
A kind heart is a selfless heart. A man with a kind heart will go the extra mile for his family. He would deny himself the excesses of life to make his wife and family comfortable. A greedy and selfish man who put his needs first before that of his wife and children will never make sacrifices for his family.
A man, who has no respect for women, does not believe anything good can come out of a woman other than rearing children. Such a man would relegate his wife to the background and keep her away from the affairs of his life because he has no respect for her; the rippled effect of this is that if care is not taken, even the children may end up disrespecting their mother. In marriage you should be treated as an equal partner not as an inferior partner.
The Ninth point to consider in the choice of a spouse- How forgiving is the man?
Nobody is created perfect and as human beings we are bound to offend each other. In fact the more you love a man or woman the greater the chances of he or she offending you. Sometimes we inadvertently offend our spouses and the hurt can run very deep, but the beauty of any relationship is the ability to disagree, offend each other but yet be able to accept each other’s fault and be willing to forgive and forget the other party’s wrongdoings.
The saying goes “true love does not keep account of wrongs”. Some men just don’t have a forgiving spirit and believe punishment has to be inflicted on the woman every time she offends them. Punishment could be in the reduction of housekeeping money or by deliberately denying the woman of her pleasures. An unforgiving spirit is a bitter spirit. Marriage to a man with an unforgiving spirit could be miserable.
The tenth point to consider in the choice of a spouse – Financial Influence: The man’s attitude to money.
In marriage it is good to have a savings plan or an investment plan for the future. How does your spouse spend his money? Is he a Friday night club and party freak who spends all his excess or disposable income on alcohol and cigarettes?
Alcohol, cigarette, nightclubbing and womanizing go together and are one of the fastest means of draining a man’s finances because of the seeming pleasure gained from them. Some men are addicted to driving fast cars and wearing designer clothes and as such maintain very expensive lifestyles which sometimes they can’t afford.
Some feel under pressure to live according to the standards and the expectations of friends and society. A woman married to such a man, may find herself indirectly funding his life style, by supplementing his income.
Aside from these 10 points, there are many other factors to take into consideration when choosing a spouse but I believe these 10 points would serve as a basis and a guide for you in taking your decision. In addition, I strongly recommend “How to choose a life partner - 165 Questions to ask”, by Pastor Bimbo Odukoya.
If you have not yet given your life to Christ and would like to do so today, please pray:
Father, today I accept you as my Lord and Savior as I surrender my life to you and I repent of all my sins. Forgive me Lord and accept me into the kingdom of your dear son, thank you Lord for saving me. Amen.
Congratulations, if you have been touched by this message, or have just given your life to Christ, I would love to hear from you, please send a mail to singleladytd@gmail.com
God bless you
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